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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses...

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What...

The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor." "We'll see," mocked...

A Redneck couple were sharing a bottle of Jack Daniels when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me somethin' that will make me happy and sad all at the same time." The wife thought about it for a few moments, then answered, "Your pecker's bigger than yer brother's."

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.He then...

WASHINGTON - A Maryland police officer bit a man's testicles during an off-duty fight outside a Baltimore bar and has been charged with assault, according to court documents made public on Wednesday. Anne Arundel County police officer Michael Flaig, 31, was arrested and charged on Tuesday night...

The Canadian Revenue Agency actually commented on this one. Something to ponder ...... but, still worth a broad Smile ! Amazing, but true, if you think about it ! The importance of accuracy in your tax return. This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return. The CRA has...

LAS VEGAS, Nev. - The most anticipated boxing fight in years was delayed because of high pay-per-view demand causing problems for cable and satellite systems. Jim Lampley, the main telecaster for the Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao showdown in Las Vegas told viewers Saturday night that...

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....." Some asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap...

10 Reasons Not To Jog 1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks...

Number One Sport A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.Lady 1: "What's that?"Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."Lady 1: "Where did you...

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Ring up and say you cannot cum

Sad thing is this is TOTALLY believable!!!! I don't know whether to laugh or cry... You worry about Conservatives versus Liberals, etc.--relax, here is your real problem. In a University Classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be Prime Minister of Canada .. It was pretty...

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The...

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the...

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed...

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the...

Some Somalians open fire on an oil tanker, take hostage the 25 crew and hijack the vessel carrying $100million of oil ...I 'borrow' some music, TV and films from the internet and they want to sue me for piracy?This world is messed up.