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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?""There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

How do you get Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment ..."The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm."Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

the new dollar bill..

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately...

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and...

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in...

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style."If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef.""Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the...

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes ... A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the...

Music legend David Bowie has died after an 18-month battle with cancer, his spokesman said early Monday. Bowie was 69. Breaking News reports.

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous...

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want...

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?The swallow.

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a...

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a...