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  1. #41
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    "? fold with Straight flush." should bee Straight FACE...!!!
    WWJD...!!!

  2. #42
    Farmer At Work Farmer1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jony604 View Post
    Some things you just can't explain. Ha ha Farmer1 but no picking on you
    Honestly I loved the joke Just had to give you a hard time. If i would have come across it first i would have posted it. Thanks for the laugh
    Two of the greatest qualities
    to have in live are:

    PATIENCE
    and
    WISDOM

  3. #43
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    Great News

    The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

    "We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

    "Well, tell me!" the man said.

    The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

    So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."

    "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"

    "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."

    "If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

    The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

  4. #44
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    Skydiving

    Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.

    Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"

  5. #45
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    French fries

    There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.
    As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

    "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

    The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

    On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

    He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied,
    "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper,
    I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"

  6. #46
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    After a day of fishing at a ne
    After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.
    The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
    Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
    "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
    "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
    Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
    Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
    The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
    "What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
    "I'm a rectum stretcher!" repeated Bob.
    The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
    Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
    The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
    Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge

    for those of you that went fishing over the bridge a good come back line ha

  7. #47
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    Nun Sees A Naked Man

    A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
    After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

    The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

    With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

    The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

    "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

  8. #48
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    A man walked into a bar on a s

    A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
    He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
    So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
    But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
    The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
    The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

  9. #49
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    Lol, the One and Only... Good Laugh on this 4th of July, THANKS jony604...!!! Stay Safe, Take Care and May GOD Bless You and Yours...!!
    WWJD...!!!

  10. #50
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    Gilbert Gottfried: Spoke to the Animals

    A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

 

 
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