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  1. #21
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    Howard is 95 and lives in a se...

    Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

    One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

    She asks, "What?"

    "SEX!!!"

    Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

    "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

    "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

    Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
    one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

    Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

    Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

    Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

  2. #22
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    Shooting The Bull

    Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

  3. #23
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    ""I would like it infrequently,""...LMOL..."InDeed"...!!!
    WWJD...!!!

  4. #24
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    Approval of the Family

    When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.

    Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.

    I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!

    Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

  5. #25
    Rocket Recovery Technician
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    HEHEHEH OH MAN, I would have been dead because I would have followed her up the stairs stripping!!! Some great laughs as usual. jony 604 you always make the day ahead seem brighter and lighter with a chuckle on my mind.

  6. #26
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    No Wool Downstairs

    A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
    When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

    The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

    The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

  7. #27
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    A Heavenly Welcome

    A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
    Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
    Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
    "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

  8. #28
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    The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

    Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),
    I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

    [Check all those that apply]

    ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

    ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

    ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been atMcDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

    ___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by thetruckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for somethingother than my personality.

    ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questionsabout yourself before you asked me one.

    ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,then you can't GET into my pants.

    ___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you babe?' comment, given the9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

    ___ You failed the credit check.

    ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

    ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned revealsan inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

    ___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often inconversation.

    ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to getyour High School dipolma, are slight negatives.

    ___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

    ___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.

    ___ Three final words.... Size does matter.

    Sincerely,

    [Your name here]

  9. #29
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    Dear John...

    The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

    He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:

    "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.

  10. #30
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    A boy was teaching a girl arit...

    A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

 

 
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