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  1. #81
    Warrior Member big mac's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Farmer1 View Post
    They are being taken bit by bit
    If they take a couple of more bits there will be nothing left for us.

  2. #82
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    There's this young couple,

    let's call them Ness and Tony, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night Tony comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.

    Tony comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Tony gets in from work, Ness is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers and bra.

    As is always the case, Tony comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Ness is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Tony coming up the driveway and opening the front door.

    Ness re-adopts her provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Tony's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."

    "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"

    When Ness reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace knickers - ready for Tony, as he stomps up the stairs. As Tony pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"

    Ness doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..",

    "Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"

    "and do a handstand..."

    "Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Ness...

    Tony walks over to Ness, parts her legs and places his chin in her crutch...

    ... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"

  3. #83
    Farmer At Work Farmer1's Avatar
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    LMAO to funny
    Two of the greatest qualities
    to have in live are:

    PATIENCE
    and
    WISDOM

  4. #84
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    Punishment for Missing Church

    A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
    With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
    At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

  5. #85
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    Why did I get divorced?
    Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

  6. #86
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    "Dressed for the Occasion"...?!?
    WWJD...!!!

  7. #87
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    There is an overweight guy
    who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

  8. #88
    Diplomatic Emissary zaang83's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jony604 View Post
    There is an overweight guy
    who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
    Yep, that raging hard-on would make anyone lose 34 lbs
    "Glass Half Full Always"

  9. #89
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    A construction worker
    on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

  10. #90
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    A huge muscular man walks into...

    A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
    The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
    The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
    "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
    "No s***?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
    "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
    "Keep going!"
    I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
    She said, "You now have three wishes."
    I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
    She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
    "What next?" begged the bartender.
    I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
    Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
    I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

 

 
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