Jokes in honor of bwcbob

[jony604]

Signs of the times....

These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!
In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'

On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'

At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'

In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

[4me2c]

LAO, Good Ones there ^^^

"On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'"

In Our Neighborhood Store, there is a sign worded : "Nobody Beats Our M--t"...!!!

[zaang83]

in a urologist's office, "please hold"

[jony604]

After Brian proposed to Jill,
his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

[4me2c]

Riiiiiiiiiippppppppp,they fit NOW...!!!

[jony604]

Doris is sitting in a bar
and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

I have discovered the answer
to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.

[4me2c]

That's a Side-Splitter up there ^^^...!!!

[jony604]

On Thanksgiving day,
a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

[jony604]

After numerous rounds of,

"We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down

[4me2c]

!!!...33H 33h 33h