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  1. #121
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    I always use #3 ever since I saw it on Seinfeld.

  2. #122
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    An uneducated father
    with his educated son went for a camping
    they set up a tent and slept
    father gets up after sometime and asks his son"what can you see in the sky?"
    son:i can see many stars
    father:what does it resemble?
    son:there are many planets
    father beats on his sons head and says "Someone has stolen our tent"

  3. #123
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    Husband’s call to his wife:

    "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
    Wife’s Response:
    "Who the f… is Paula?"
    And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

  4. #124
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    Sumbich

    A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
    Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
    Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
    Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
    The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
    Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'
    'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
    The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something.
    You won the bet! How about half a million bucks then?'
    'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
    The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
    Again Leroy said no.
    Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
    Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

  5. #125
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    LMAO, Just look around there is an Empty Spot where someone once stood...!!!
    WWJD...!!!

  6. #126
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    Fun With Telemarketers

    What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:
    Me: Hello
    AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
    Me: This is AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
    Me: May I ask who is calling?
    AT&T: This is AT&T.
    Me: OK, hold on.
    At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
    Me: Hello?
    AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
    Me: May I ask who is calling please?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
    Me: Is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
    Me: This is AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
    Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
    AT&T: Yes, sir.
    Me: The phone company?
    AT&T: Yes, sir.
    Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
    AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
    Me: I already have a phone.
    AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
    Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.
    When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
    AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
    Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
    Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
    Me: 7 days a week?
    AT&T: That's right.
    Me: 365 days a year?
    AT&T: Yes, sir.
    Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so!
    Me: That's quite a sum of money!
    AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
    Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a
    cash advance?
    AT&T: Excuse me?
    Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
    AT&T: What are you talking about?
    Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
    AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
    Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
    AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....
    Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
    AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....
    Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
    Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?
    Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.
    So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......
    Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
    Me: Yeth?
    Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
    Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)
    Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.
    I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
    Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
    Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
    Me: Thank you.
    I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
    AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
    Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........
    AT&T: (click)
    Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............
    Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............

  7. #127
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    What have I said!
    <...

    What have I said!

    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

    FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

    SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

    THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned...and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

    FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right >now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

    FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and sprea d his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

    LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

  8. #128
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    The blind salesman...

    A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

    A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"

    "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

    The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

    The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

    He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

    Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

    "Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

    Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

    As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

    Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

    "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

    "That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

  9. #129
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    Sister Mary Ann

    Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic.”-

  10. #130
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    Ah Ha, Good n Funny Indeed, Thanks for a Much Needed Laugh jony604...!!!
    WWJD...!!!

 

 
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