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  1. #1
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    Jokes in honor of bwcbob

    Girls Night Out...

    The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

    The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

    Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

    Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

    The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

    After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

    A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

    "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

  2. #2
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    Quiet

    A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

    The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

  3. #3
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    Hillary goes to heaven

    Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."
    So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

    When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

    St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

    Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

    St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

    Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

    St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."

  4. #4
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    After a few years of married l

    After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
    Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
    After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
    Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
    The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
    The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
    The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
    The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.
    His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

  5. #5
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    Boys and girls
    I apologize and specially to Ryu I think i am the bigger Joke here i had hijacked Ryu's thread and kept doing it for so long and we all know that's breaking the rules
    this why i started a new thread same old jokes from bwcbob's library enjoy!!!!

    Viagra...

    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

    The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

    The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."

    The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

  6. #6
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    The golf shot...

    A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit theblasted ball!"

    The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

    "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

  7. #7
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    Oh to be in the 5th grade again

    A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
    Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
    The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 'And how about you, Sarah?'
    'I wanna be Larry's whore.'

  8. #8
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    Women And Golf

    2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
    The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
    She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
    "How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

  9. #9
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    Dear Abby,

    I'v
    Dear Abby,
    I've never written to you before, but I really need youradvice on what could be a crucial decision.I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
    Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
    I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
    Worried Sick in Indiana

  10. #10
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    Beer drinking 101

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Improper bladder control.
    Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

    Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    Fault: Glass Empty
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

    Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    Fault: You have fallen forward.
    Action: See above.

    Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
    Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

    Symptom: Floor blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
    Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Floor moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
    Fault: Bar has closed.
    Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

    Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
    Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    Action: Cover mouth.

    Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    Fault: Your dancing on the table.
    Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

    Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
    Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
    Action: Punch him.

    Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    Fault: You have been in a fight.
    Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
    Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    Action: See if they have free beer.

    Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
    Fault: The beer is too weak.
    Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
    Fault: Beer is just right.
    Action: Play air guitar.

 

 
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