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  1. #21
    Bad Street Fighter Ryu's Avatar
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    hahahaha
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  2. #22
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    A young couple got married and
    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
    "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
    "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
    "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
    "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

  3. #23
    Diplomatic Emissary zaang83's Avatar
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    Hahahahhaahahaha!
    "Glass Half Full Always"

  4. #24
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    Everybody I know who has a dog

    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
    When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
    He said, "I would like to have one too!"
    Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
    He said he didn't care what she looked like.
    I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
    He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."



    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.



    He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
    I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
    He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
    I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.



    The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
    When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
    He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
    I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
    The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
    Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
    I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
    He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
    "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
    He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
    I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
    The Judge said, "Same here!"
    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
    I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
    Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
    I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
    And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

  5. #25
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    While the pope was visiting th
    While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
    They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
    The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
    The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
    Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
    The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
    The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
    The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
    This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"



    The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

  6. #26
    Diplomatic Emissary zaang83's Avatar
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    Excellent!
    "Glass Half Full Always"

  7. #27
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    Sandra and her husband Jim are
    Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, "Why haven't we had sex in so long?"
    "You know I'm worried it will hurt the baby," Sandra told him.
    "I'll be really gentle. I promise," Jim tells her.
    Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they have sex.
    Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, "Are you my father?"
    The doctor shakes his head.
    Then to Sandra, "Are you my father?"
    "No, I'm your mother," she tells him.
    Finally the baby sees Jim and says, "Are you my father?"
    Jim nods.
    The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, "How does this feel?"

  8. #28
    Bad Street Fighter Ryu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jony604 View Post
    Sandra and her husband Jim are
    Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, "Why haven't we had sex in so long?"
    "You know I'm worried it will hurt the baby," Sandra told him.
    "I'll be really gentle. I promise," Jim tells her.
    Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they have sex.
    Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, "Are you my father?"
    The doctor shakes his head.
    Then to Sandra, "Are you my father?"
    "No, I'm your mother," she tells him.
    Finally the baby sees Jim and says, "Are you my father?"
    Jim nods.
    The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, "How does this feel?"
    hahahahaha
    All information provided is for informational purposes only. Use at your own risk.

  9. #29
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    One day Bill complained to his
    One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
    "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
    Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
    Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

    The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

    "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

  10. #30
    Diplomatic Emissary zaang83's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jony604 View Post
    Sandra and her husband Jim are
    Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, "Why haven't we had sex in so long?"
    "You know I'm worried it will hurt the baby," Sandra told him.
    "I'll be really gentle. I promise," Jim tells her.
    Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they have sex.
    Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, "Are you my father?"
    The doctor shakes his head.
    Then to Sandra, "Are you my father?"
    "No, I'm your mother," she tells him.
    Finally the baby sees Jim and says, "Are you my father?"
    Jim nods.
    The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, "How does this feel?"
    Dang! The newborn can speak!
    "Glass Half Full Always"

 

 
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