in honor of bwcbob

[jony604]

Wild Things
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"



The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Read

[4me2c]

LMAO... peacock... Must have been...!!!

[jony604]

Father/Son
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:



Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[jony604]

There was a competition to cro...
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[jony604]

The Boss and the wife...
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

[jony604]

A little girl is sitting on he...
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

[jony604]

Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing.

When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.

The surprised mother reacts quickly. "WHACK!"

The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

[4me2c]

Thanks for the Laughter jony604... Merry CHRISTmas to You and Yours...from 4me and the rest of the Gang Here...!!!

[zaang83]

The Boss and the wife...
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

A man with a plan!!

A little girl is sitting on he...
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing.

When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.

The surprised mother reacts quickly. "WHACK!"

The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

Priceless!!!!

[jony604]

Top 20 UK Christmas jokes of 2021

Annual UKTV channel Gold poll. 2000 Brits voted their favourite festive gags, these are top 20.

20. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite Christmas game?
A: Guess Who.

19. Q: What pantomime are the government doing this year?
A: Chris Whittington.

18. Q: Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas?
A: She has snow authority.

17. Q: Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning?
A: He'll still have no presence.

16. Q: Which 'Friends' character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app?
A: Chandler Ping.

15. Q: Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have?
A: The Wiser Jab.

14. Q: Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner?
A: They know she's unlikely to drop a set.

13. Q: Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents?
A: She had him up against a wall.

12. Q: Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas?
A: Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.

11. Q: Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson?
A: He keeps going back on his word.

10. Q: Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas?
A: They're Squids in.

9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high?
A: Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.

8. Q: Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers?
A: It was just two deer.

7. Q: Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate?
A: It failed the lateral glow test.

6. Q: Which vaccine did Father Christmas get?
A: Mince Pfizer.

5. Q: Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner?
A: Aunty Vaxxer.

4. Q: What's Piers Morgan's favourite Christmas song?
A: Walking off on air.

3. Q: Why won't Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas?
A: They all want space.

2. Q: Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year?
A: Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green.

1. Q: Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas?
A: The cost of gas is too high.


Merry Christmas to everyone from Jony604