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  1. #171
    Diplomatic Emissary zaang83's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jony604 View Post
    Three priests...
    Three priests went to the train station to take a trip to Pittsburgh. The senior father looked to the youngest and said, "Will you go to the booth and buy the tickets for us?"

    The young priest timidly replied, "Yes Father." And he headed for the ticket booth. When he gets to the window, he sees that the young woman selling tickets is wearing a VERY low cut neckline and is VERY endowed.



    "Could I have three pickets to Titsburg?" he blurted. And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.

    The senior father then asked the middle-aged father if he would go to get the tickets. "And would you please get me two nickels for a dime while you are there?" he added.

    "Certainly!" the middle-aged priest replied, "I'll be right back." When he arrived at the booth, he said "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and give me two nipples for a dime." And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.



    The senior father was angry and said, "You two wait here, I'll go and get them myself!" And he stormed off to the ticket booth. "I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and two nickels for a dime." he told the young woman, "And you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. Dressing that way in a public place! Why....I'm sure that Saint Fingers is shaking his Peter at you right now!"

    And he ran away.....
    Splendid!!

    Quote Originally Posted by jony604 View Post
    Even when the man is listening what wife liked for her birthday

    A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!



    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
    One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
    The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
    Ahh, they just want you to listen !
    "Glass Half Full Always"

  2. #172
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zaang83 View Post
    Splendid!!


    Ahh, they just want you to listen !

    It's A "TRAP"...!!!
    WWJD...!!!

  3. #173
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    As the crowded elevator descent
    As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
    As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"



    Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
    "Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"

  4. #174
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    This Man Has Quite The Excuse For Cheating On His Wife

    A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
    The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
    The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
    “All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
    Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
    “I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
    “She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
    “In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
    “She devoured it in seconds.”
    “Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
    “While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
    “I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
    “I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
    The husband took a deep breath and continued…
    “She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
    “You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

  5. #175
    Transparent Wall Technician crazed 9.6's Avatar
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    lmao... ooops
    It is a good day when common sense and justice do prevail.

  6. #176
    Super Moderator at Work Farmer1's Avatar
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    lol
    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
    When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
    I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
    "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
    Two of the greatest qualities
    to have in live are:

    PATIENCE
    and
    WISDOM

  7. #177
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    The Reverend and the golf game

    The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

    So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.



    Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

    At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

    The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"



    The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

 
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