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  1. #21
    Bulletproof
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    Talking dog for Sale .. posted12/26/19 andkaal

  2. #22
    Nascar Pool Diecast Winner
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    A magician ......


    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

    The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

    There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

    Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

    One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.

    They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

    After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

  3. #23
    Diplomatic Emissary zaang83's Avatar
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    There was a fly buzzing around.....

    There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure.

    Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat.

    She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away.

    She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

    As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.

    She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight.

    Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

    ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

    Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.

  4. #24
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    Clarence and Rufus

    There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.

    Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

    "CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

    This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

    One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.

    "Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"

    Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

    He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

    "Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

    "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

    "Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

    "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."

    "And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.

    "And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"

    Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
    WWJD...!!!

  5. #25
    Operations Ninja xayoz's Avatar
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    This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.

    WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
    HUSB : “Definitely not!”
    WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
    HUSB : “Of course I do.”
    WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
    HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
    WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
    HUSB : (makes audible groan)
    WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
    HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
    WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
    HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
    WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
    HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
    WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
    HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
    WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
    HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
    WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
    HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
    WIFE : — silence —
    HUSB : “Sh!T”...

  6. #26
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    Lightbulb

    A Christmas story

    A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.
    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
    Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
    He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
    When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
    WWJD...!!!

  7. #27
    Nascar Pool Diecast Winner
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    Give him a job



    A young man with pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

    He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE being on welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

    The social worker behind the counter thought for a moment and said: "Your timing is excellent. We just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man. He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. As part of your job you'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL and he'll supply your clothes."

    The social worker went on to say: "The hours may be long, so meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but also as part of your job you must satisfy her sexual urges. She's in her mid-20's and apparently she has a rather strong sex drive."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said: "You're bullshittin' me!"

    The social worker said: "Yeah, well... You started it." .....

  8. #28
    Renaissance Man Shooty's Avatar
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    Good To Know ..... (The Blonde and the Snowplow)


    A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice:
    "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it."
    Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car.
    After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?"
    She explained what her father had told her and the driver said,
    "Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now.
    Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"

    /Shooty

  9. #29
    Bullwhale
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    The new secretary....

    The manager hired a new secretary.

    She was young, sweet and polite.

    One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

    While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

    He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

    He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

    Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

    The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir.

    All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

  10. #30
    Farmer At Work Farmer1's Avatar
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    Hints

    1 It is one of bwcbob's joke
    2 It is in the date range 12/06/2019 - 11/5/2020
    Two of the greatest qualities
    to have in live are:

    PATIENCE
    and
    WISDOM

 

 
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