Raffle for a Buzz Vivid stick ST 4000 01/18/2021 - bigstar

[duhhud]

12-24-2019, 01:46 PM #1


Christmas Eve Accident....

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

[bigstar]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking...

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.

Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.

She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.

' So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[Shooty]

Speeding Ticket..... (oct 01 2020)
A driver is pulled over by a policeman.


The police man approaches the driver's door.


"Is there a problem Officer?"


The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"


The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."


"You don't have one?"


The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."


The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."


The policeman says, "Why not?"


"I stole this car."


The officer says, "Stole it?"


The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."


At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"


"She's in the boot if you want to see."


The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.


Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car.


A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"


The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"


"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."


"Murdered the owner?"


The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"


The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.


The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"


The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.


The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."


The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.


The officer opens the wallet and examines the license.


He looks quite puzzled.


"Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."


The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[jony604]

The sheriff of the small town...
The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.

When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butt hole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

[Nomad]

Six months...


The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral.

He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

[4me2c]

Oh your a Bad one Mr. Farmer1

A midget with a lisp goes to see farmer1 to buy a horse.
He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth."
So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth.
Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears."
Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears.
Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat."
"Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat."
So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twot.
The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down.

The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."


Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Fun Contest and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!

[andkaal]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.

It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son", the nun answers. "Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.

[zaang83]

A little girl is sitting ...

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

[carlosman]

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".


The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it.


He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.


After they finish, the guy says,


"Now I should be honest too.


I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

[minitor]

Can We......


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?