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  1. #41
    Nascar Pool Diecast Winner
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    Beware of the dog....

    Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.

    Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

    He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

    "Yep, that's him," he replied.

    The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

    "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.

    Why in the world would you post that sign?"

    "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

  2. #42
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    Talking Dog for Sale.......

    A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the mutt replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

    The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    The owner says, "Ten dollars."

    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

    The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

  3. #43
    Diplomatic Emissary zaang83's Avatar
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    Three Knots.....

    Dan, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the
    docks once more, for old times sake.

    He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

    He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

    The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.' 'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

    She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

  4. #44
    Operations Ninja xayoz's Avatar
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    The new secretary....

    The manager hired a new secretary.

    She was young, sweet and polite.

    One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

    While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

    He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

    He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

    Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

    The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir.

    All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

  5. #45
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    My husband wants me to ask you....


    Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

    When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

    "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

    "No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed.

    "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

  6. #46
    Bullwhale
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    Doctors Meeting.....

    A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.

    Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

    One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

    Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

    The other three agreed.

    The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

    The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

    The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

    The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

  7. #47
    Nascar Pool Diecast Winner
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    A little boy comes down for breakfast....



    A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.

    His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.

    Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.

    He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.

    He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?

    Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

    “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

    I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

    I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”






  8. #48
    3 Time Nascar Pool Winner 4me2c's Avatar
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    Cool

    The Christmas gift...

    A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

    A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

    "She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"


    Thanks to bwcbob for the Gift, Farmer1 for the Chance and IPTV for being here so it All is Possible...!!! Good Luck Everyone, Let's have some Fun Again...!!
    WWJD...!!!

  9. #49
    Chief Officer
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    A woman meets with her lover.....
    A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

    They make love for hours.

    Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings.

    Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

    The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

    "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really?

    That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

    "Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

  10. #50
    Mercenary floder2's Avatar
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    Embarrassing Compulsion...
    A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

    "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

    Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

    "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

    Six months later, the man was back.

    "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

    "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

    The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

    "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

    "But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

    "Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

 

 
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