Why We Love The Irish

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're makin’ love to
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even
home yesterday."

Paddy & Mick find 3 grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT
BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody
thing up.

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid
a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells
the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says
"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in
the bloody boat."

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's
very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the
vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the hospital maternity ward. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an
ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights
of theirs?